Revise the following short email messages so that they are more direct and concise; develop a subject line for each revised message.
1. I'm contacting you about your recent order for a High Country backpack. You didn't tell us which backpack you wanted, and you know we make a lot of different ones. We have the canvas models with the plastic frames and vinyl trim, and we have the canvas models with leather trim, and we have the ones that have more pockets than the other ones. Plus they come in lots of different colors. Also they make the ones that are large for a big-boned person and the smaller versions for little women or kids.
2. Thank you for contacting us about the difficulty you had collecting your luggage at the Denver airport. We are very sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you. Traveling can create problems of this sort regardless of how careful the airline personnel might be. To receive compensation, please send us a detailed list of the items that you lost and complete the following questionnaire. You can email it back to us.
3. Sorry it took us so long to get back to you. We were flooded with résumés. Anyway, your résumé made the final ten, and after meeting three hours yesterday, we've decided we'd like to meet with you. What is your schedule like for next week? Can you come in for an interview on June 15 at 3:00 p.m.? Please get back to us by the end of this work week and let us know if you will be able to attend. As you can imagine, this is our busy season.
Revising Messages: Direct Approach Rewrite the following sentences so that they are direct and concise.
4. We wanted to invite you to our special 40 percent off by-invitation-only sale. The sale is taking place on November 9.
5. We wanted to let you know that we are giving an MP3 player with every $100 donation you make to our radio station.
6. The director planned to go to the meeting that will be held on Monday at a little before 11:00 a.m.
7. In today's meeting, we were happy to have the opportunity to welcome Paul Eccelson. He reviewed some of the newest types of order forms. If you have any questions about these new forms, feel free to call him at his office.
Teamwork With another student, conduct an audience analysis of the following message topic: A notice to all employees announcing that to avoid layoffs, the company will institute a 10 percent salary reduction for the next six months.
8. If the company is small and all employees work in the same location, which medium would you recommend for communicating this message?
9. If the company is large and employees work in a variety of locations around the world, which medium would you recommend for communicating this message?
10. How is the audience likely to respond to this message?
11. Based on this audience analysis, would you use the direct or the indirect approach for this message? Explain your reasoning.
Revising Messages: Closing Paragraphs Rewrite each of the following closing paragraphs to be concise, courteous, and specific.
12. I need your response sometime soon so I can order the parts in time for your service appointment. Otherwise your air-conditioning system may not be in tip-top condition for the start of the summer season.
13. Thank you in advance for sending me as much information as you can about your products. I look forward to receiving your package in the very near future.
14. To schedule an appointment with one of our knowledgeable mortgage specialists in your area, you can always call our hotline at 1-800-555-8765. This is also the number to call if you have more questions about mortgage rates, closing procedures, or any other aspect of the mortgage process. Remember, we're here to make the home-buying experience as painless as possible.