Critique of Short Stories This week please choose one student short story and write a three-paragraph critique of the story using the guidelines from "How to Give Feedback." Please respond to the critiques posted about your story 

 

 

 

 

*Vienna, By Billy Joel plays in the background "Slow down you're doing fine" played quietly as I came to my consciousness. I heard the steam coming from my engine. It alerted me, and I started to realize where I was. I was laying sideways in my mothers prized possession, her 2004 Subaru Outback. There was glass on my body and a tree branch sticking out of my front windshield. I crashed the car. "HEY! HEY!" I heard from my driver side window. I could barely see who it was, as there was snow blanketing my car. I rolled my window down and I saw Peyton's face. Peyton was a friend of mine. We were in the outdoors club together in highschool and I never saw her without a smile, until this moment. She was timid of new people, but was the happiest girl I knew. It was one in the morning so I was curious as to what she was doing out this late. I was on my way home from my friend Josh's house. We stayed up late watching a movie and lost track of time. I thought it was going to be safe to drive home. I thought I was making the right decision. "What are you doing out this late?" I struggled to say as I tried to get out of my car. "Im taking my mother to the hospital, she is having trouble breathing" Peyton said with an undertone of concern. Hearing this, I knew she was in trouble. I had to stop worrying about my mothers prized car and get her mother to help. Her mother is one of the most important people to her, I remember a story Peyton told as we hiked up Mt. Katahdin on our overnight outdoors trip. It was her first swim meet at ten years old, and her mother has been her biggest supporter since. I climbed out of the broken glass of my window and went over to Peyton's car. She is kindly taking me to the hospital with her mother. Peyton caught me at the right time. I was deep into the backroads of our small town. There were no street lights and just one gas station that has been owned by the same family for decades but lost power. I'm still amazed that I did not have any serious injuries. I called my mother in the back seat of Peyton's car. She had no concern over the car and more so my safety. It made me feel loved. I told her the car was in pretty rough shape, the glass was broken and the engine was steaming, and that we could go look at it when it is safe enough in the morning. We hung the phone up as we exchanged I love you's. It was pretty clear to me that Peyton was unable to drive well in the winter. She told me she grew up in California, which is nothing compared to Maine in the winter. We drifted a few times, and I was afraid. I caught myself grabbing the seat for safety a few times. I tried to not worry much as Peyton had her full focus on the road as her mother sat next to her gasping for breath. Soon I saw the local hospital in the distance. It was so busy, with ambulances going in and out full of car crash victims and other accidents from tonight's storm. We parked the car on the left side of the busy parking lot and quickly walked her mother inside. There was a crowded waiting room to the left full of injured people and crying mothers. We hurried to the check-in. "Help, my mom can't breathe well, I dont know whats wrong, please, please, please help." Peyton cried to the admission lady. From behind the desk a man hurried out of the waiting room and came to see us. He turned the corner through the emergency room doors and as I saw this 6'2'' doctor with a full beard, I knew I recognized him. "Dad?" I said with concern. We locked eyes and his expression immediately changed. It has been four years since I have seen him. "Sweetie... Hello" He said hesitantly. I had a hard time reading him, as it looked like he was exhausted from the busy ER. I ran up to him and gave him a long hug. For a moment it made me feel safe, like I was back in a normal family. The hug came to an abrupt stop when all of the trauma that he caused me rushed to my memory. I crept back to Peyton and her mom and addressed the man that he had a patient who needed to be urgently seen for respiration problems. When I first got to know Peyton, we were on an overnight camping trip with the outdoors club in highschool. There were ten of us that went, and we were the only girls so we had to tent together. The camping trip's destination was the top of Mt. Katahdin, the tallest mountain in my home state, Maine. It was a 4 hour bus ride to get to the base of the mountain and I was exhausted before we even started the trek. I'm not the most in shape person as I prefer slower outdoor activities instead of fast paced so this hike was going to be a challenge for me. The weather was very humid, it was the middle of July. I could feel my sweat start to puddle when I exited the van. We started on the Saddle trail, and had a 1.1 mile hike to get to our campsite. As we headed up, Peyton and I stayed in the back of the pack because we were a bit slower. At the .65 mile marker we came to a very narrow trail, with heavy bush to the left and a 6 foot drop to a lower path on the right. We tried our best to watch out for the rocky and muddy terrain we were walking on. As I was taking a sip of water I lost my balance and tripped over a root, sending me head over heels down the cliff to the right. Peyton stopped everything and kneeled down to see if I was okay. At this point we were so behind the group that it was just the two of us. Panic rushed through my body as the surface level of the trail I was just on was above my head. Peyton took a deep breath and searched for something to help me get back up. "I can't find any big branches, or anything really to help you out, the bush is too thick, the only thing I can think of for you is my sleeping bag for you to step on." "Are you sure that is the only thing? What about a stump or something you could throw down?" "I'm sure, I would rather sacrifice my sleeping bag than have a bigger situation at hand, we have you get you back up here." She emptied out her bag onto the damp, muddy, ground and all I could see was tampons, snacks and tent accessories flooding the trail above me as she grabbed the blue sleeping bag. I felt guilty of her sacrifice but at the time it was the only thing we had to get me up safely. She passed it down to me and I placed it on the ground. The first time I tried to step on it, it was very wobbly. I had to try a few more times before I could get my balance and body up high enough to hoist myself up safely. It felt like the process took forever. As soon as I got up I gave Peyton a hug and thanked her, it was a huge bonding moment. I felt like she had saved my life and I am still forever grateful to her. That night I offered my sleeping bag up to Peyton to share. She accepted and we ended up staying awake late, gossiping like girls do. We definitely made the most out of the trip. As I snapped back into reality the nurse approached us in the waiting room and walked us to the back to wait for the doctor again. Growing up with my father as a doctor, he was absent for a lot of my life. He worked the night shift so he was always sleeping when I had activities during the day. He missed events like my orchestra concerts as a child, and milestones like learning how to ride a bike without training wheels. My dad was always around to help for medical emergencies though, which was nice. Jace was a messy and clumsy little brother so dad would assist his bumps, bruises, and his broken arm in the third grade. Things with Dad were okay until he walked out on us my freshman year. I am still having trouble facing him. I sometimes wonder if I should forgive him, and rebuild the connection, but it is a lot harder for me than it looks. Peyton's mom did not know how to react to me seeing my father. She had only heard of me a few times and never met me in person until tonight. "So Anne, do you see your father much?" She hesitated. "Not much since he left us." I sighed. The room we were in was flooded with a blinding overhead light and smelled of rubbing alcohol. It was overwhelming. I tried to avoid thinking about my father as much as I could but it was a challenge when he came into the room to assess Peyton's mom. He immediately started a conversation with her about what happened, then took a break to get the vital signs. I looked up at him just to find him staring at me to start a conversation "Happy Birthday Anne, I'm sorry I'm late and forgot to call, the ER has been flooded with patients due to the storm." Dad said, as he took her blood pressure. "Dad, my birthday was last week, you forgot about it." I replied. Hearing him say those words almost brought me to tears. It was like I was being stabbed with a knife to the heart. He used to wake me up at 7am on the dot every year to wish me a Happy Birthday, which then turned into a phone call once he walked out on us. The past few years the call has been later in the day, which showed me his lack of importance which had an impact on my day. When he forgot it completely I was angrier with myself than ever. I suppressed my emotions as much as I could but eventually I had to step out into the waiting room. I found a seat in the corner and I saw Peyton heading my way. Tears were streaming down my cheek at this point. She didn't say anything, instead she put a hand on my shoulder and brought some tissues from the hallway. After a few moments of silence she broke it. "That was pretty shitty of him, I'm sorry you had to see him tonight." "Yep, definitely wasn't how I thought I was going to spend tonight. Things have been pretty rocky with him recently." I could hardly breathe at this point. "If it makes you feel better, I saw him trip in the hallway and almost eat the floor, I thought you would find that funny." We both shared a laugh. Having Peyton comfort me, and all of the memories I have with her made me realize that you don't have to share blood to be family. She knew how to lighten up the mood but also let my emotions be expressed. It was something I valued in her. Peyton has always been there for me at intense times and has never failed to let me down or be left behind.

Answer rating: 100% (QA)

The story Vienna by Billy Joel portrays a compelling narrative that explores themes of friendship fa... View the full answer