Answer all questions together with a minimum of 150 words (please paragraph appropriately!). You must answer with the minimum word requirement to receive full credit for the assignment.

1. Why do you believe so many people have trouble developing and following a budget?

2. Why do you believe money is one of the main causes of marital strife?

3. Which of the six qualities of strong families, presented by Lasswell and Lasswell (see my notes on chapter 9), do you believe is the most vital? Why?

CHAPTER 9 Living and Growing Together Introduction A. Almost 90 percent of all Americans will marry, and nearly half of those marriages will end in divorce. B. As we observed in previous lessons, there are certain predictors that indicate situations under which divorce is more likely to occur. C. They do not tell why some marriages are successful while others fail under similar conditions Lasswell and Lasswells study A. These researchers performed a study involving 130 strong, cohesive, and functional families (1982). B. While there were many dissimilarities among these families, six qualities clearly stood out in all of them. 1. Family members appreciated each other. a. They supported each other and made each other feel good about themselves. b. Criticism was generally absent in these homes. 2. Members arranged their personal schedules so they had time to be together as a family. a. While these families had spontaneous times together, they made a strong effort to have planned times together. b. They were willing to make an effort to be together. 3. Positive communication patterns a. Involved openness, honesty, patience, respect, concern and a willingness to discuss differences. b. No necessarily the quantity but quality of communication listened effectively to each other. 4. High level of commitment to their family a. Group dynamics were positive b. A cohesiveness and sense of belongingwilling to invest time and energy in the family 5. Spiritual orientation a. Does not refer to religious or church activities b. Refers more to values or morals associated with religion or spiritual experiences. c. Had a strong value system or a moral base to which they could turn and on which they build their lives 6. Ability to deal positively with crises a. Able to face their problems realistically b. Did not engage in denial or repression c. Adaptable and able to nurture and care for each other during crisescrises pulled them together, rather than apart. Communication: Key to A Growing Relationship

1. Marriage counselors are generally agreed that communication is the key to a successful marriage and that the lack of communication is one of the major problems in marriages that are failing. 2. Communication involves both the sending and receive of messages. a. Of these two, receiving may be the more important. b. Listening is a particularly important skill for marriage partners. 3. Keys to Effective Listening: a. Establish eye contacty and assume a posture that clearly indicates the other person has your complete attention. b. Pay attention to nonverbal cues. c. Reflective listening. i. This involves hearing the other persons meanings and feelings and reflecting them back. ii. There are two values to reflective listening. 1. It lets the other person know we have heard and understood what he or she is feeling. 2. The other personal can correct our understanding if it is innacurate. d. Open responses. i. These reflect the other persons feelings and allow him or her to continue to discuss the issue. ii. They do not use closed responses that are judgmental or instructive and lead to conflict e. Allow the other person to resolve the problem. i. Probably the greatest temptation we face is to immediately offer a solution, especially if a solution appears obvious to us. ii. We need to avoid that temptation and help the other person thing through the alternatives iii. If the other person comes up with the solution, he or she will be more likely to follow through on it. Handling Conflict in Marriage 1. In a relationship as intimate as marriage, conflict is bound to arise. 2. Conflict in marriage is not wrong, necessarily bad, or a sin. a. The critical issue is how the conflict is handled. b. Conflict may destroy a marriage or it may strengthen a marriage. 4. Five useful suggestions for handling conflict in marriage. a. Timing i. While emergencies may arise that need to be dealt with at the moment, most conflicts have developed over time. ii. These conflicts usually do not require an immediate resolution but can be temporarily put off until there is adequate time to deal with them. iii. A basic rule related to timing in handling conflict is not to raise controversial issues just before (e.g., going to bed, sex, leaving the house etc.).

b. Communication i. One of the basic purposes of conflict is to improve communication. ii. It is for partners to let each other know how they feel and think about an issue. iii. Requires effective listening. c. Stick to the issue i. This is not the time to become historical, i.e., to bring up issues from the past. ii. All the writers agree that it is important to stick to the issue at hand when dealing with conflict. d. Fight fair i. The object of conflict is not to win but to resolve the problem. ii. When a couple has a win/lose approach to conflict resolution, they will often resort to unfair tactices in order to win. 1. Unfair tactics may involve anything from emotional outbursts to withholding sexual intimacy. 2. Unfair tactics may also involve setting power traps. e. Compromise (its not a dirty word) i. In a given situation it is rare that one party is entirely wrong and the other party entirely right. ii. The willingness to give in, modify, and negotiate is the secret to successful solutions. iii. One word of caution needs to be made about compromises. 1. Individuals sometimes use compromise in place of admitting they are wrong. 2. It is important that compromise be used honestly.