Could you help me edit my essay so i get 100% on it based on the rubric.

The College Essay 650 Max Words

Criteria

Ratings

Pts

Opening Hook

12 pts Full Marks Captivates the reader's interest with a gripping hook, as by dropping the reader into a scene filled with tension; uses mystery or suspense to keep the reader's interest

10 pts 10 pts. Engages the reader by opening with an interesting situation, scene, or observation

8 pts 8 pts. Engages the reader by opening with a mildly interesting hook; includes some details that seem unnecessary or redundant

6 pts 6 pts. Orients the reader by opening with background information that sets the stage for the narrative; could do more to capture the reader's interest

4 pts 4 pts. Opens with a hook that is relevant to the narrative but that may be dull, trivial, or commonplace

2 pts 2 pts. Opens with a paragraph that contributes little to or remains disconnected from the rest of the essay

12 pts

Narration

12 pts Full Marks Sustains the reader's interest by expanding the hook into a compelling story, as by drawing on narrative techniques such as suspense, humor, irony, and/or foreshadowing

10 pts 10 pts. Uses narrative elements like exposition, conflict, rising action, and so on; combines all story elements in a manner that supports a larger purpose

8 pts 8 pts. Sequences events such that they build on one another to creata coherent whole; includes some details that may be extraneous to the whole

6 pts 6 pts. Sequences story elements to build toward a specific outcome; pacing may be choppy; transitions may be awkward

4 pts 4 pts. Constructs a story that has little narrative propulsion; the narrative point of view is unclear or inconsistent; times or locations are not clearly differentiated

2 pts 2 pts. Describes a haphazard series of events that seem unconnected

12 pts

Characterization

12 pts Full Marks Uses precise description, sensory details, and/or punchy dialogue to evoke a vivid picture of the characters; these elements "show" their complex feelings and motives

10 pts 10 pts. Uses precise description and dialogue to evoke an image of distinctive personalities undergoing complex experiences

8 pts 8 pts. Uses concrete details to make the characters and experiences seem real and convincing; may neglect to fully disclose external and/or internal conflicts and tensions

6 pts 6 pts. Neglects to "show" what the characters think and feel; relies exclusively on "telling" what they think and feel

4 pts 4 pts. Describes the characters' personalities but neglects to disclose the ongoing fluctuations in their thoughts, feelings, or motivations

2 pts 2 pts. Constructs characters that are underdeveloped and/or two-dimensional

12 pts

Reflection

12 pts Full Marks Constructs a distinctive narrative persona who demonstrates a capacity for in-depth and nuanced self-reflection; establishes a clear distinction between past self and present self

10 pts 10 pts. Constructs a narrator who exhibits a capacity for critical self-reflection and seems willing to learn or grow from his or her experiences

8 pts 8 pts. Provides a clear and convincing account of how the narrator has been changed by his or her experiences

6 pts 6 pts. Reflects thoughtfully on one's experiences but doesn't establish how the present self (narrator) differs from the past self (character)

4 pts 4 pts. Arrives at a canned or clichd conclusion about the meaning of one's experiences

2 pts 2 pts. Fails to include more than a few sentences of reflection

12 pts

Voice and Style

12 pts Full Marks Cultivates a writing voice that reveals an additional side of one's personality: a keen observational intelligence, a sense of humor, a lively energy, or what have you.

10 pts 10 pts. Utilizes a wide variety of sentence patterns; chooses words that are not only precise and persuasive but vivid and compelling

8 pts 8 pts. Builds sentences that are grammatically correct yet simple; chooses words that are accurate yet plain; could develop a more personal voice; could take more risks in one's prose

6 pts 6 pts. Constructs sentences that may be clunky, choppy, or wordy; chooses words that are sometimes vague or inexact; commits some punctuation errors

4 pts 4 pts. Makes many grammatical errors; uses language that is overly colloquial; struggles with verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and/or passive voice

2 pts 2 pts. Commits egregious mechanical errors; chooses words that are not just imprecise but inaccurate

12 pts

Total Points: 60

My Essay

The car hummed with laughter, my friends' joyous banter crashing against the windows like bright ocean waves. "Did yall see that?!" one of them yelled, excitement piercing the air. My heart raced as our conversation created a vibrant tapestry. Then, suddenly, the sharp ring of my father's phone cut through our celebration. His fingers tightened around the steering wheel, and the cheerful atmosphere vanished like mist in the morning sun. An unsettling silence fell over us, wrapping around me as laughter faded into stillness.

On my birthday in February 2023, my friends and I had just finished an exhilarating paintball match near our home in North Las Vegas. It was a weekend when everything seemed perfect: carefree and full of simple pleasures. As a high school student, I was riding high from small victories like winning that match and spending time with friends. We piled into the car, laughing and joking, adrenaline still pumping through our veins. But when my father's phone rang, it was as if a switch had flipped. I didn't realize it then, but that call would mark a significant shift in my life.

My dad's face tightened as he gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles turning pale. "What? No... that can't be right," he muttered, disbelief heavy in his voice. The hum of the road became the only sound in the car, swallowing our joy. My friends exchanged uneasy glances, the silence unnerving after our laughter. I leaned forward, trying to hear more of the conversation, but it was tense. "She was at bingo. Are they certain it was a heart attack?" My father's voice cracked, revealing a reality I wasn't prepared for.

Sensing something was wrong, my friends sat frozen, unsure what to say. My friend Noah, in his usual awkward but kind-hearted manner, broke the tension. "Bingo... man, I thought that game was supposed to be relaxing." It wasn't particularly funny, but his attempt at humor was a lifeline. We chuckled softly, breaking through the thick silence like a crack in ice. The tension eased slightly, but not completely.

My father hung up the phone, his voice calm but filled with grief. "Your grandmother... she had a heart attack playing bingo. She didn't make it." Those words hit me like a cold wave, erasing any joy from the day. My friends sat in stunned silence, respecting the gravity of the situation. I stared out the window, watching the world rush by in a blur, but inside, everything seemed to move in slow motion. As we neared home, the conversation gradually returned to normal, but we all knew the carefree high schoolers who climbed into the car were not the same ones who got out. My father gently squeezed my shoulder. "She wouldn't want us to stop living, you know." It was a simple statement, but it stayed with me.

Looking back, I see how that moment changed me. Losing my grandmother suddenly forced me to confront a reality I had ignored: life is fragile, and those we love can be taken away without warning. Before that day, I lived with a sense of youthful invincibility, believing the future was full of limitless possibilities. But that phone call, that abrupt shift from laughter to grief, opened my eyes to life's unpredictability.

In the weeks that followed, I realized the importance of being presentnot just with friends during fun times but also with family. I became more intentional about spending time with them, appreciating the little things I used to take for granted: my grandmother's stories, the meals we shared, and the sound of her laughter. Her passing taught me that life's moments, whether joyful or painful, are fleeting, and it's up to us to make the most of them. I learned to carry grief without letting it consume me, shaping how I approach challenges. While pain is unavoidable, so is the strength to overcome it.