"Dealing with Difficult People".

Case Study 1 of 2 "Get Past No" - Page 5; is due Sunday, August 2.

Read "Get Past No" (Page 5 of the attached PDF) The scenario is about Marty Spence and outlines the five-step strategy described in the book "Getting Past No: Negotiating with Difficult People" by William Ury.

The purpose of each case is to augment the course content with applications that enable you to apply text materials to a scenario and relate to that problem using what you have learned.

describe in detail what you learned from the case and strategies outlined.

Get past no

Marty Spence was logging off his computer on Friday afternoon and eagerly looking forward to picking up his family to head to their lakeside home for the weekend. His boss suddenly appeared and said, "Marty, I need you to finish the Delcourt proposal so it's on their desks first thing Monday morning. I've got to catch a plane. No problem, right? I know I can count on you."

Spence quickly calculated that it would take most of the weekend to finish the proposal. Everyone else had already left, and his boss was headed for the door. The job would be dumped in his lap if he didn't say something fast. He was furious; this wasn't the first time his boss had asked him to take care of a problem he should have handled himself. What should he do?

As William Ury, author ofGetting Past No: Negotiating with Difficult People(Bantam Books, 1991), explains, we all have to negotiate at times with difficult people. They might be stubborn, arrogant, hostile, greedy, or dishonest. Even ordinarily reasonable people can turn into opponents: A teenage daughter can be charming one moment and hurl insults at you the next. Your boss can be collaborative and understanding most of the time but make unreasonable demands on a Friday afternoon.

Holding your ground.Dealing with difficult people can be challenging, and doing it effectively calls for special skills.

InGetting Past No, Ury describes his five-step strategy for dealing with hard bargainers and difficult people. He calls his method "breakthrough negotiation," a way to "change the game from face-to-face confrontation into side-by-side problem-solving." (See the sidebar "Breakthrough Negotiation.")

When his boss demanded his help, Marty Spence's first impulse could have been to strike back. "You've had three months to work on this proposal, and I've asked several times if you needed help. I'm not giving up my weekend plans to bail you out at the eleventh hour." If he chose this path, he would be standing up for himself but possibly jeopardizing his relationship with his boss. Alternatively, he could have caved in and said, "Sure, you can count on me." Then he would have had to face his disappointed family and deal with his own anger at having been unfairly used.

Another option would have been to try to engage his boss in joint problem solving. "You've got a plane to catch, and I'm headed out the door to pick up my family. It's important that I be there on time. I'd like to help you. I wish I had known about this earlier. Let's see what ideas we can come up with." This response acknowledges the boss's predicamenthe has a plane to catchwhile establishing that Spence has his own commitment. It suggests that together they may be able to come up with a solution (e.g., bring in someone else to help, each cut their weekend short by a half day, submit an incomplete report, or tell the client the report will be delivered at the end of the day on Monday).

When you need to just say no.Sometimes, even with joint problem solving, you need to convey a firm and clear "no." No, you won't work all weekend. No, your household budget cannot afford a new Jaguar. No, your assistant can't work from home two days a week. No, it's not acceptable that your supplier's delivery will be a month late. How do you say no while still preserving the relationship?

In his bookThe Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes(Bantam, 2007), Ury suggests sandwiching the no between two "yeses." First, say yes to your own interests and needs. Then say no to the particular demand or behavior. Finally, say yes as you make a proposal.

In the case of the assistant wanting to work from home, you may learn about her interests and still decide that they aren't compelling enough for you to agree to her request. You first explain yourinterest: "I want to have our team here working together and sharing ideas. I value your contribution and need you to be part of that team." Then comes theno: "I understand your concerns about the long commute, but I've decided that you can't work from home two days a week." Finally, aproposal: "We can talk about having you work from home occasionally, and we can talk about arranging your hours differently so you avoid peak commuting hours. Or we can discuss reassigning you to a different job where

it's not as important for you to be here physically."

Facing the challenge.It can be extremely challenging to stand up to difficult people who may have an arsenal of weapons, including ridicule, bullying, insults, deception, and exaggeration. In some cases, they might attack you; in others, they might avoid confrontation. Sometimes you are taken by surprise; at other times, there might be a chronic problem you need to address.

For example, if your ex-husband regularly belittles you in front of your children, don't just trade insults. Find a time when you can have a real conversation without interruption. Let him know how his remarks make you feel. Encourage him to talk about why he says these things. Ask questions, and make him feel heard. Then discuss your shared interest in the children's happiness.

Whenever possible, prepare in advance for difficult negotiations. First of all, know yourself. What are your hot-button issues? What is essential to you? What is unacceptable? Next, think about what you are likely to hear from your opponent and plan how you might react.

Consider the following golf analogy. Jack Nicklaus says that every golfer should regularly take a lesson that focuses on basics such as grip and alignment, because if your setup is sound, there's a decent chance you'll hit a reasonably good shot. Similarly, every skilled negotiator should do a prenegotiation inventory. Ask yourself, What are my goals? What is my strategy? What is my walkaway point? Like the proper setup in golf, if you plan your negotiation with focused preparation, you improve your chances of ending up with a good outcome.

Build a golden bridge.Once you have brought your difficult opponent to

the table, you may need to build a "golden bridge," Ury's term for letting your opponent save face and view the outcome as at least a partial victory. Even when your boss comes into your office on Friday afternoon with an inconsiderate request, you need to say no in a way that conveys your respect for him as your boss. And you want your assistant to feel that you appreciate her contributions, even if you can't agree to let her work at home. Finally, you want your ex-spouse to know that you value his parenting, even while you ask him to stop belittling you for the good of the children.

So how do you help your difficult opponent save face, while still standing

up for yourself? Ury suggests reframing the problem so that you draw your opponents in the direction you want them to move. By way of example, he relates a story told by filmmaker Steven Spielberg, who was relentlessly bullied by an older boy when he was about 13 years old. Spielberg figured he couldn't beat the bully at his game, which was to use physical force, so hechanged the game, inviting him to play a war hero in a movie he was making about fighting the Nazis. As Spielberg describes it, "I made him the squad leader in the film, with helmet, fatigues, and backpack. After that, he became my best friend."

This illustrates a key concept: involve your opponent in finding a solution. It's unlikely that a difficult person is going to accept your proposal fully, no matter how reasonable it is. Give him some choices: Would you prefer to meet at your office or mine? I could either pay a lump sum or make payments over time; which is better for you?

Hostage negotiators look for ways to build rapport and let the hostage takers save face, with the hope that the hostage takers will become more reasonable. The negotiators listen attentively to what the hostage takers want, whether it's an apology, a conversation with a loved one, a cup of coffee, or an acknowledgment of their grievance. The negotiators take careful notes, hoping to find something that will give them leverage.

Similarly, you should pay careful attention to your opponent, realizing that some of her needs may be unstated. A business owner who won't engage in problem solving to help close a deal to sell her business may turn out to have deep-seated ambivalence about selling. Realizing that, you might structure the deal as a joint venture, with a role for her in the new company.

Listen to learn.If there is a common denominator in virtually all successful negotiations, it is to be anactive listener, by which Ury means not only to hear what the other person is saying but also to listen to what is behind the words. Active listening is something frequently talked about but rarely done well; it is

a subtle skill that requires constant, thoughtful effort. A good listener will

disarm his opponent by stepping to his side, asking open-ended questions, and encouraging him to tell you everything that is bothering him. Beyond that, Ury says, "he needs to know that you have heard [and understood] what he has said." So sum up your understanding of what he has said and repeat it in his own words.

Ury points out that there is a big payoff for you: "If you want him to acknowledge your point, acknowledge his first." And you may find you have little choice but to do thishow else to avoid a stalemate?