In 1972, on a park bench in Birmingham, Alabama, Garner Lee Green's father proposed to her mother. The proposal came out of the blue. She said yes. "That doesn't happen to people anymore," says Ms. Green, who is 30. And it certainly wasn't the way her husband asked her to marry him several years ago. The two of them talked for a long time about how and when the proposal would hap-pen. "I was ready before he was, so we had to come to a meeting of the minds about a time frame. The negotiations lasted about six months," Ms. Green says. She is not the only one who missed what used to be a classic big moment. Those romantic tales that get passed among friends and relatives-"One day he just showed up with a ring! I was completely surprised!"-are relics of the past. We've gone from popping the question to a long conversation, hammering out the details of when and how the engagement will happen. Amanda Miller, a sociology boyfriend after dating him for five Ms. Miller says her research showed fessor at the University of Central years. Their discussion was a now- that the man still holds the power Oklahoma, conducted a study about typical one about how to shoehorn to shut down the marriage conver-how proposals are made among a wedding into career plans. "He stated. Men in their 20s and 30s cohabiting couples. The result wanted to finish law school and titled "Waiting to Be Asked," found that didn't seem to view the backroom past the bar before he proposed, negotiation as emasculating or that couples not only work together and I wanted it to happen before ceding their turf to a generation of as a team to set the date, but some I took a job in a new city, so we empowered women either. On the women's actual script, the proposal had a lot of back-and-forth on how contrary—all this talking may have first, telling their boyfriend some- it would happen." As part of the simply eliminated the only scary thing like: "I'd always wanted to be contemporary transparent proc- aspect of a proposal for a man: that proposed to on Christmas morning ess, Ms. Zimmerman's now-fiancé the woman will say no. in front of family." instructed her to go pick out rings "You do not propose to a woman The engagement negotiation in advance. without absolute assurance that is not some repackaged version of So how is all this bargaining she say yes," says Ethan, and the female proposal or part of an affecting gender dynamics? "The Mr. Brentan agrees. "I liked that ultimatum. This new ritual is simply norm that the man has to take Erica, my fiancée, brought up the points to a less unilateral and more control of the proposal has been a topic of marriage with me first. It pragmatic approach. In a world greatly undermined and eroded," was nice knowing, before I pro-where two young people are jug- says Kathleen Gerson, a professor posed, that she wanted to spend gling goals, the proposal language of sociology at New York Univer- the rest of her life with me." sounds something like: "I'll be fin- sity. "Women want to feel they have fishing up medical school, and then Ms. Seligson is the author of A Little Bit Mar- more control of where a relationship ried: How to Know When It's Time to Walk I'll be doing my residency, so maybe is going instead of waiting to react." Down the Aisle or Out the Door (Da Capo we can do the wedding between Yet the gender dance is still Press). the residency and my fellowship. So being worked out. Josh Brentan, what if you propose in June?" who blogs at the groom with a view. 

Discussion Questions Consider the case of a 29-year-old com, who proposed to his girlfriend in 

1. Do you think that viewing a mar- Ethan, a GMAT tutor in New York in July after an open discussion about marriage proposal as a negotiation City he asked that his last name get engaged? "But I was happy is it a good idea or not? Support not be used because details of his that I could surprise her with your answer by providing likely proposal process are not known to the actual proposal. It's nice to still have outcomes. his future in-laws). He says he and some proprietary feeling over it," 

2. Using the material from the chap- his fiancée talked about all but one he says. Ms. Green's husband has ter, can you build on the case to thing ahead of time: "Essentially, said he feels slightly cheated that provide other "nontraditional" the diamond was the only element he didn't get to surprise her with his examples of where win-win of the proposal and the wedding proposal. negotiations may be possible? that we did not negotiate." Even so, do not mistake this for

3. If negotiation does not work in And then there's Casie Zimmer- a level playing field. While there is this example, would you recom- man, a 27-year-old lawyer in New more negotiation and compromise mend going forward to the medi-Orleans who is engaged to her about the marriage time-table, ation process? Why or why not?

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Discussion Questions 1 Negotiating Marriage Proposals a Do you think that viewing a marriage proposal as a negotiation is a good idea or not Support y... View the full answer