what is your idea or answer about this discussion question ?

It was interesting to learn how John Gottman compared the death of a relationship to the collapse and ultimately the death of society resulting from The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.

In the Book of Revelations, the Four Horseman represented war, famine/economic downfall, pestilence/disease, and ultimately death which is brought about by Gods intervention against those who persecute him.

Similarly, in a relationship, the death of a relationship can be attributed to repeated behaviors that distress the relationship. These behaviors consist of the following:

1. Criticism which attacks the character of the other person

2. Contempt which uses mockery, sarcasm, and hostile humor to deliberately make the other person feel stupid, foolish, or inferior.

3. Defensiveness which is an under-handed way of playing the victim and blaming the other person.

4. Stonewalling which actively disengages from a conversation. Behaviors includes looking away and ignoring or not responding to questions.

According to Gottmans research, the end of a relationship can be predicted in the first minute of a conflict.

Having been married before, I was avoidant (stonewall) because I wanted to maintain harmony, especially because there where children in the household. It was easier to let my husband dictate than to argue over pettiness. (My grandmother had a Spanish saying Mejor un loco que dos. The English translation of this saying is: Better there is one crazy fool than two.) Its really sad when the conflicts/arguments cannot be confined away from the children. Therefore, I was the one who preferred to take the high road and not argue with my spouse. Unfortunately, this let to feelings of resentment and unhappiness and ultimately divorce.

In hind side, I have learned that relationships dont cause conflicts, they reveal differences that may result in conflicts. Often times, especially when dating, a person will want to display their best behavior. However, once the relationship is further along, conflicts will appear. I believe this is a good thing. Its good to learn as early as possible about a persons true colors. I believe that the key to maintaining a healthy relationship is to communicate expectations such as maintaining respect for one another. Also, instead of criticizing, talk about how the actions taken against you made you feel. Also important is to listen and make eye contact so the other person can see that you care. If the conflict is getting heated, then a short break may be necessary to calm down.