Based on the materials provided in this module's description,

Communication Handout

Let's go over a few of John Gottman's key concepts.

1. The 4 Horsemen

2. The 7 Predictors of Divorce

3. The 6 Predictors of Relationship Success

GOTTMAN'S

FOUR

HORSEMEN

OF

THE

APOCALYPSE

Criticism

It's okay (and can be healthy) to complain about what's wrong in your relationship. The problem arises when

complaining turns into criticizing. A complaint focuses on the event or behavior you want to change, whereas

criticism attacks your partner's personality. When you find yourself generalizing that your partner "always" or

"never" does something, you are falling prey to criticism. For example, you may want to let your husband know that

you find it annoying that we don't travel very often. You could let him know just this - that you wish you traveled

more. Or you could blame him for this problem and criticize him by saying something like "We never travel

because you are always so selfish and don't care about my interests."

What to do instead: Try to state your complaint without blame. Let your partner know that you are unhappy about

something, but don't make it your partner's fault. Avoid "always" and "never."

Defensiveness

This one is particularly hard. When someone suggests I've done something wrong, my instinct is to react quickly

with an "It's not my fault" followed by some excuse. Sometimes we go so far as to do this preventively - defending

ourselves before we've even been accused. Defensiveness also occurs when you respond to your partner's

complaints with complaints of your own, such as when your partner lets you know they find it annoying that you

leave empty shampoo bottles in the shower and you respond by pointing out that you find it annoying when they

don't make the bed.

What to do instead: The problem with defensiveness is that it doesn't allow you to see your role in the problem and

its frustrating for the other person who feels like they aren't being heard. Take responsibility. If you partner lets you know that something you do bothers them, consider if they might be right and look for your part in the problem.

Contempt

Everybody has their angry moments, but when you begin to feel contempt for your partner, that's a clear sign that

something needs to change. Contempt is the best predictor of divorce. Contempt is that feeling that you are better

than your partner, and comes out when you make derisive comments to your partner with the intention of being

insulting. If you are calling your partner names, mocking your partner and being sarcastic or rolling you eyes at him

or her, you are likely feeling contempt. Sometimes you might tease your partner in the spirit of playfulness, which is

beneficial. But if you find yourself teasing your partner in a mean-spirited way, such as making fun of something

you know they are sensitive about, that is a sign of contempt. Calling your partner an idiot (and meaning it) is a

surefire sign your relationship is in the dumps.

What to do instead: Instead of focusing on all the things that you hate about your partner, build a culture of

appreciation where you focus on what your partner adds to your relationship. If you are feeling contemptuous,

perhaps you need to take a moment to imagine what your life would be like if you'd never met your partner.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is not so much about what you do, but what you don't do. Imagine how a stone wall would react to

you when you told it how you were feeling. When you sit there in stony silence or utter single word answers, you

are disengaging from the interaction. This happens in response to feeling overwhelmed by your partner's strong

negativity. Gottman has found that men are more likely than women to engage in stonewalling.

What to do instead: Instead of disengaging as a response to being overwhelmed, try letting your partner know that

you need to take some time to calm down and plan to return to the conversation when you feel more relaxed.

Although we have described the four horsemen separately, they often go together - criticism from one

partner may lead to the other partner's defensiveness which may promote feelings of contempt, and

eventually stonewalling. Couples who can joke, laugh and share moments (a touch, a quick smile) during a

fight are better at combating this negative cycle and are happier with their relationships.

including the video we watched in class https://Quest-Documentary.com

and the power point we discussed, as well as Chapters 6

and 7,Families in Motion: Dynamics in Diverse Contexts(2020), Clara Gerhardt, SAGE Publications.

students will summarize what they have learned about difficult communication patterns in families and/or couples and ways to assist in strengthening communication.

1) Choose a type of family communication/ interpersonal dynamic or common couples communication pattern that has been featured in our textbook Families in Motion: Dynamics in Diverse Contexts(2020), Clara Gerhardt, SAGE Publications.

or in the other materials you have read.

2)Summarize and discuss what you have learned about this communication style or interpersonal dynamic.

3) Summarize what you have learned regarding how human service practitioners might assist a family or couple with this type of communication problem.; also, in two full paragraphs.Would any of the models that we have studied so far be useful?What techniques, interventions, strategies etc. might be useful? Discuss.

4. Develop two goals and two questions for the communication issues, dynamic or pattern that you have been working with in this assignment, that you would use with a couple or family.

2 pages in length is the guideline for the full assignment

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