Instructions for your post--5 points

This week we once again reflect on the process of revision:

Copy and paste one paragraph from the original final draft of your Personal Narrative. Choose a paragraph that you have made substantial revisions to. Remember the difference between editing and revision! Now copy and paste the revised version of the same paragraph as it appears in your Annotated Revision, although leave out the annotations. In other words, what you post in this discussion are two versions of the same paragraph, one original and one revised, but do not actually say what the revisions were. Instructions for your replies--20 points

This is the bulk of the assignment. In your two replies, you will discuss the revisions in your classmate's paragraph. A few questions to consider:

Do you recognize substantial revisions? What are they? Would you recommend others? Are the changes in this paragraph confined to editing? Is there any case in which you feel the original (or a portion of the original) was more effective at addressing the assignment criteria?

Original:

In school, I would go openly against my teachers. I knew that because of my smartness, I could get away with it. There was no understanding in my soul as to why anyone can hit kids, especially if they are not their kids. I saw neighbors' kids that were punished by being beaten, or thrown naked outside for other people to see. I saw my dad confronting those parents. I saw my dad taking those kids and covering them so they don't stay naked. My mom gave them food. Isaw my parents defending those kids. That was my norm. Do not touch kids! In my school it was something widely accepted for teachers to hit kids, to call them names, to throw objects at them. Some parents joined the play and were proud that their kids were so "well educated" in school.It was disgusting. I was often in trouble for standing up for those kids against the teachers and their parents. I was very rough at what I would say. I wasn't liked by any of the kids in my school either. But that didn't matter. I felt a fire in my heart, a frostbite in my brain every time they were calling us names or hitting kids. No one ever hit me, because they knew my dad and it wasn't pretty when he would come to defend me.

Revised:

In school, I would openly go against my teachers, knowing that because of my intelligence, I could get away with it. There was no understanding in my soul as to why anyone would hit kids, especially if they were not their own. I saw neighbors' kids being punished by being beaten or thrown naked outside for others to see. I witnessed my dad confronting those parents, covering the kids so they wouldn't stay exposed, and my mom giving them food. My parents defended those kids, therefore that was my norm: Do not touch kids! In my school, it was widely accepted for teachers to hit kids, call them names, and throw objects at them. Some parents even took pride in their kids being "well educated" in such an environment. It was disgusting. I often found myself in trouble for standing up for those kids against the teachers and their parents. I was very outspoken, and I wasn't liked by any of the kids in my school either. But that didn't matter. I felt a fire in my heart and a frostbite in my brain every time they called us names or hit kids. No one ever hit me because they knew my dad, and it wasn't pretty when he would come to defend me.