Instructions for your post--5 points

This week we once again reflect on the process of revision:

Copy and paste one paragraph from the original final draft of your Personal Narrative. Choose a paragraph that you have made substantial revisions to. Remember the difference between editing and revision! Now copy and paste the revised version of the same paragraph as it appears in your Annotated Revision, although leave out the annotations. In other words, what you post in this discussion are two versions of the same paragraph, one original and one revised, but do not actually say what the revisions were. Instructions for your replies--20 points

This is the bulk of the assignment. In your two replies, you will discuss the revisions in your classmate's paragraph. A few questions to consider:

Do you recognize substantial revisions? What are they? Would you recommend others? Are the changes in this paragraph confined to editing? Is there any case in which you feel the original (or a portion of the original) was more effective at addressing the assignment criteria?

Original

The fireplace, once a beacon of warmth, now held only shadows. I traced the grooves of the chessboard, my fingertip following the well-worn squares. Each piece had a storythe pawn that had toppled in victory, the knight that had leaped across battles, the queen that had strategized her way to checkmate. And my father's voice, a steady undercurrent, echoed through time.

Revised

The fireplace, once a vibrant beacon of warmth, now held only the flickering dance of shadows. I traced the grooves of the chessboard, my fingertips following the well-worn squares. Each piece whispered a storythe pawn that toppled in a glorious victory, the knight that leaped across countless battles, the queen that masterminded her way to checkmate. My father's voice, a steady undercurrent, echoed through the halls of time.