Case study

Your relationship with Javi is the most passionate youve ever had, and you consider yourself head-over-heels in love. You two share a powerful sexual connection, fueled in part by the fact that Javi is extremely physically attractive.

On the down side, Javi is undeniably high-maintenance. Although affectionate and funny, Javi has a volatile temper. Youve learned the hard way that if you raise an issue that Javi perceives as problematic, huge drama with lots of yelling, and then sulking, is likely to ensue. More concerning, however, is Javis flirtatiousness. Javi loves being the center of attention and frequently flirts with others, sometimes right in front of you. Javi also sends mixed signals about commitment, saying I love you! one day and I hope youre not getting too serious on me! the next.

Your friends think Javi is ridiculously hot. They also think Javi is trouble. Nevertheless, youre happy with your relationship because youve never experienced this intensity of connection before, and you think Javi may actually be your soul mate.

Recently, a few incidents have sparked worry. Javi didnt return any of your texts one night and afterwards said, My phone battery was dead. The thing is, you borrowed Javis phone earlier that evening and it was fully charged. There also have been instances in which Javis phone has gone off but Javi either ignored it or said, Its a solicitor. You know this latter excuse is bogus because Javi is on a do-not-call list.

Tonight, you and Javi are having fun at a party, when Javis ex, Pau, shows up. Although youre jealous, you tell Javi that its fine to talk to Pau because youre busy with your own friends. You keep an eye on the two of them, however, and sure enough, after a few minutes, you see them flirting. Your jealousy escalates as you see them sitting close together and laughing like theyre still a couple! Whats more, they cant seem to keep their hands off each other. Although the touches are all technically friendly and innocent, they imply a degree of intimacy that further fuels your jealousy.

As you two are driving back to your apartment, youre fuming about Javi and Pau. Noticing your demeanor, Javi explodes: You know, you can be really annoying sometimes! You tell me to talk to Pau, and then you get all mad when I do! Whats your problem?

Answer the questions

1. What are your thoughts and feelings in this situation? What attributions are you making about Javi? Are your attributions accurate? Why or why not?
2. Using perspective-taking and empathic concern, put yourself in Javis shoes. What is Javi thinking and feeling in this situation?
3. Think about all the information you have about your communication and relationship with Javi and the situation surrounding the encounter with Pau. Consider your own feelings as well as Javis. Given all these factors, whats the best, most constructive relationship outcome possible? Consider whats best for you and for Javi.
4. Taking into consideration your own and Javis thoughts and feelings and all that has happened in this situation, what obstacles are keeping you from achieving the optimal outcome?
5. What can you say to Javi to overcome the roadblocks youve identified and achieve your optimal outcome?