Self Assessment

Good$/$Bad Writing Exercise

Write a better version of the following letter. Please note that at the bottom of each letter is a hint of weaknesses of the letter. Use this information to make your answer a better version of the letter.

Question $1$

PERSUASIVE E$-$MAIL BAD VERSION

DATE: March $3,200$x

TO: All Employees

FROM: Matt Sawicki

SUBJECT: FedEx Bills!

Why does everything have to be sent by FedEx or UPS overnight? It seems as if no one uses regular mail anymore. Our shipping costs are sky high, and I$\text{'}$m wondering why you think that everything needs to be sent by overnight mail. Are recipients really going to use this information immediately?

If you would just plan a little more carefully, instead of waiting to the last minute, I$\text{'}$m sure we could reduce our costs considerably! After all, UPS ground service costs a lot less, but it does take three or four days$$and that would mean planning ahead. Even cheaper is fax; it costs only about $35$ cents for a long$-$distance call. E$-$mail is even cheaper.

Has anyone thought of using the receiver's FedEx number? If someone really wants to receive a letter or package fast, let him pay for it$.$ That could save us a bundle!

The bottom line is this. If we don't cut our shipping costs in half in two months, the CEO will restrict all overnight shipments. That means no more FedEx! Enough said!

Matt Sawicki

Operations Manager

matt.sawicki@ieu.com

$----------$

WEAKNESSES

Includes subject line that frightens but doesn't inform.

Opens with a complaint.

Uses negative, accusatory tone throughout.

Blames readers and calls them careless procrastinators.

Threatens readers instead of trying to persuade them

Fails to itemize specific actions that could reduce shipping costs.

Makes no effort to mention reader benefits in persuasive appeal.

Does not end with specific deadline for action requested.