Self Assessment

Good$/$Bad Writing Exercise

Write a better version of the following letter. Please note that at the bottom of each letter is a hint of weaknesses of the letter. Use this information to make your answer a better version of the letter.

Question $1$

PERSUASIVE E$-$MAIL BAD VERSION

DATE: March $3,200$x

TO: All Employees

FROM: Matt Sawicki

SUBJECT: FedEx Bills!

Why does everything have to be sent by FedEx or UPS overnight? It seems as if no one uses regular mail anymore. Our shipping costs are sky high, and I$\text{'}$m wondering why you think that everything needs to be sent by overnight mail. Are recipients really going to use this information immediately?

If you would just plan a little more carefully, instead of waiting to the last minute, I$\text{'}$m sure we could reduce our costs considerably! After all, UPS ground service costs a lot less, but it does take three or four days$$and that would mean planning ahead. Even cheaper is fax; it costs only about $35$ cents for a long$-$distance call. E$-$mail is even cheaper.

Has anyone thought of using the receiver's FedEx number? If someone really wants to receive a letter or package fast, let him pay for it$.$ That could save us a bundle!

The bottom line is this. If we don't cut our shipping costs in half in two months, the CEO will restrict all overnight shipments. That means no more FedEx! Enough said!

Matt Sawicki

Operations Manager

matt.sawicki@ieu.com

$----------$

WEAKNESSES

Includes subject line that frightens but doesn't inform.

Opens with a complaint.

Uses negative, accusatory tone throughout.

Blames readers and calls them careless procrastinators.

Threatens readers instead of trying to persuade them

Fails to itemize specific actions that could reduce shipping costs.

Makes no effort to mention reader benefits in persuasive appeal.

Does not end with specific deadline for action requested.

Question $1$ options:

Question $2$

INFORMATION$/$PROCEDURE MEMO

DATE: September $5,200$x

TO: All Employees

FROM: Stephanie Campbell, Director, Human Resources

SUBJECT: How to Park Free at DataTech

Parking here at DataTech is free unless you don't follow the parking guidelines, and then you get ticketed. Because you aren't following the policies, we knew it was time to send this reminder.

Day$-$shift employees should park in Lots A and B in their assigned spaces. They will be ticketed if they don't register their cars. Everyone needs to display the white parking stickers on their cars. Remember that it's a MAJOR violation if you park at the curb before $3$:$30$ p$.$m$.$ because that area is for visitors and swing$-$shift employees.

Swing$-$shift employees may park in any empty space after $3$:$30$ p$.$m$.$ They have the option to park at the curb before $3$:$30$ p$.$m$.$ However, don't park in curb spaces marked for handicapped, van pool, or car pool vehicles.

All employees must register their cars and display a parking sticker. These white registration stickers should be placed on your back bumper on the driver's side. Pick them up in the Human Resources Division from $8$ a$.$m$.$ to $5$ p$.$m$.$ on weekdays. But to make it convenient for you, they will be in the cafeteria on September $10$ from $11$:$30$ a$.$m$.$ to $1$:$30$ p$.$m$.$ and from $3$ to $5$ p$.$m$.$

We're trying our best not to issue tickets. You can help by following these suggestions.

Question $2$ options:

Question $3$

CLAIM LETTER

August $22,2001$

Customer Service Manager

Rayco Watch Company

$6250$ Park Street

Fairfield, CT $06431$

Dear Customer Service Manager:

On July $5$ I wrote to you and described how my Windsurfer V$-2$ watch had stopped working. I returned the watch, telling you that I had worn it scuba diving.

This watch is advertised as "waterproof." Now I learn that it is not intended for underwater use. Nowhere in your literature does it say this! It seems to me that if a watch is waterproof, it can be worn under water.

In your letter to me of August $16,$ you offered me $30$ percent off the SportDiver watch $($priced at $$199\mathrm{.}99).$ This watch is totally waterproof, you said. Well, I am not interested in the SportDiver watch$$even with $30$ percent off. It's too expensive. I want the Windsurfer V$-2,$ which was a perfect watch for me before it got wet. By the way, I've given up scuba diving so it won't be submerged again.

I look forward to your favorable reply in the very near future.

Sincerely,

Question $3$ options:

Question $4$

REQUEST REFUSAL

September $10,200$x

Ms$.$ Sandra Scott

$2350$ Riverside Drive

Joplin, MO $64801$

Dear Ms$.$ Scott:

This is to inform you that we regret that Capitol Financial Services will be unable to support your good work with the Lincoln County chapter of the National Cerebral Palsy Institute.

As a matter of fact, your letter describing local efforts at preventing and treating this serious affliction was quite touching. We